Busisiwe Ngidi the pillar of my life captain of my soul my loving mother, she was the first daughter from 15 children of my Grandmother who had them all from different fathers (can you believe that) well it is what it is.
But it had not always been like that, when my grandmother was pregnant the first time of my mother, she was engaged to my grandfather and they were so madly in love with each other that they were ready to get married at a very young age the day my grandmother was in labor news that she was in labor and had gone to the hospital to deliver was passed on to my grandfather while he was at work , so he took the rest of the day off and quickly rushed to hospital but before he could get there he got knocked by a car on the pedestrian crossing by a driver who lost control of the car because of the brakes and the state of unsoberness he was in, only to find out that the driver was the counselor’s son(the brakes had nothing to do with it) my grandfather died right there and right then but the counselor’s son was never found guilty of anything and my grandfather died before he even had the chance to see his daughter who was a spitting image of him. My grandfather’s family never liked my grandmother at the first place and since the child was a girl and not a boy they did not show any interest on the child and my grandmother was forced to move on with her life elsewhere with her only child at the time who was my mother.
My mother was left to be brought up by her Grandmother while my grandmother was being very busy in the town of Durban, with what I don’t know (but what I do know is that from all that busyness she had 14 children from different fathers) my mother was moved from one relative to the other and was never treated right and they would mock her because of her mother’s slut behavior and ask her does she know who is her father and laugh this really hurt my mother inside and because of it she made a promise to herself that she will never associate herself with men because of all the bad names she would hear them call her mother when they were talking about her mother. My mother never had the opportunity to go to high school because no one showed interest on her after she completed primary no elder in the relatives she was with took the time to go and register her at high school because they all felt like she was a waste of time and was never going to succeed (I don’t think they wanted her to succeed in the first place).
Since everything was just a disappointment to my mother no friends no family she turned to someone she knew would never disappoint her and that was God. She became a church activist and was fully committed to the youth organization of the church she believed in God with all her strength and might she had faith big enough to remove all mountains with a singing voice that could make any angel of praise and worship jealous it was there where she met my father Bhekizizwe Jerom Ngidi the son of Johan and Elizabeth Ngidi my father came from a family of 7 children and he was the 2nd son but the 4th child from his parent he finished his matric and went to train to become a metro police officer he was a karate instructor and worked at communications office at the station back in the days while the police force was still called city police my father was a very intelligent man (I think that were my brains come from) who loved empowering himself by educating himself while he was working as a police officer
Since he was so motivated at work he was getting promoted every few years that by the time he met with my mother my mother was 27 years of age (but believe you me yet she was still a virgin “you don’t find that anymore these days we living in” ) and my father was 30 years he had a house a car and everything an successful men would have at first when my father presented the idea of marring my mother to the church (in this church you can’t just tell the women you love her and you want to marry her but you talk to the elders of the church and it them who goes to the women ) My mother never liked the idea at all (mind you this was going to be the 4th man my mother was turning down) but before my father could be turned down he asked for one thing and that was that my mother pray and ask God if is he the one and if God does not respond in 7 days my father was going to carry on with his life without my mother in it , my mother thought that was fair enough so after 3days of the request my mother prayed asking God for an answer but nothing on the 6th day my mother had a dream of a very white cloth coming from heaven so clean and white that it even surprised her to see se such a clean cloth and as it was about to reach the surface of the earth some hand of a man snatched it away.
That was the end of the dream, and really meant nothing to my mother concerning the wedding (but meant every single thing concerning the wedding to the elders of the church) after 7 days had passed on the 8th day the elders came to my mother for an answer on what had God said about the wedding my mother told them God never responded he said nothing so it not him(proudly she said)as the elders where about to leave one of the old mamas asked you never heard anything at all not even a bell sound or a bird singing of any sort? The answer was no this time more aggressive then the last as they were up and walking towards the door again.
The old mama asked you say you never heard anything but did you not see anything at all anything child just anything NO! my mother responded this time even more irritated but then she remembered the dream she had and since she saw it was not relevant to the question asked and she wanted to get rid of them quickly she said I only had a dream just a few days back. That caught all their interest what was the dream child tell us. with eager they waited and my mother told them how she saw a white cloth coming down from heaven and before it could reach the surface of the earth some hand of a man snatched it away HAWU!! That a white wedding coming from heaven yes child God has answered you!! Yes the boy is the one. With disappointment my mother cried out to God why God you are doing this to me because you know I did not want to get married but if it is what you want and it is your will then let it be but the man i marry must be a God fearing person who loves people and children and who loves God also and the first child I want must be a boy.
And if you give that to me I will name the child Menelisi which means God has satisfied me with everything I ever wanted 1988 my parent were married 1989 July 19 a bouncing baby boy was born (that me) does It end here no it does not this is just the beginning I am the 1st son out of 2 boys and the 1st born out of 3 children from my mother and father and one adopted daughter from one of my mother’s relative who could not afford to take care of her. I was brought up with love and went to a house boarding school called mommy johns when I was 7 I enrolled to spearman primary which was very respected then for discipline and academic achievement at school I had lot of friends and I really stood out in everything I did sport I played cricket and athletics I was a very fast runner and popular to the ladies in class I was out spoken and smart I loved reading and writing poetry which a lot of girls found it to be amusing had my first crush on a girl called thandeka but did not have the gut to tell her so I ended up going out with her best friend Qiniso who was outspoken and was not shy to ask me out and I accepted (hoping it will lead me to her friend “I was wrong”) I passed grade 7 and went to register at Rossburgh high school which was also a good school known for it good discipline and dedicated staff.
I exceled in sport and in class. Became famous for all the wrong reasons(I was once caught having sex with 3 girls in the prefect room ) I had 3 close friends and a lot of other people who considered themselves as my friends I played chess and also was in the poetry society in Grade 9 I met Nomzamo the girl I fell in love with for more then 7 years I was her first she was almost my first ( unfortunately for her I lost my virginity the night before I took her virginity) I met her in church the same church my father met my mother for a while I really thought we will live happily ever after but I guess I was wrong.
I matriculated but never went to college right then because at the time my result were not so good because I wrote my matric drunk so I upgraded them while I was working as a steel fixer contractor by that time I was already smoking weed, cigerarate and drinking heavily such activities I started practicing them in Grade 10 influenced by one of my friends who told me they will take away my CTA stress and by the time I was earning my own money I would spend it all in one week the following year I enrolled to UNISA and Varsity college doing a BCOM Accounting Degree (dam I was good in that accounting shit) but dropped out, why? Because that when I started smoking wunga this time Influenced by my home boys from the location I was able to hide it at first but when I started missing classes and things started to go missing at home questions were asked and I could not answer them with the truth there was always a big fat lie in line ready to be thrown to whoever dares to question my doings this kept going on up until I could not lie anymore since my lies where catching up to me.
So I told my parent that I am a wunga addict so they admitted me to rehab (which never seemed to work for me) weeks later after I had been discharge I would go to my old friends to give them a visit for them to see how good I look and end up taking a naughty skyf and I would tell myself I had it under control but then fall back on the very bad habit months later as if I never went to rehab later that year 20011 I was arrested for a crime never committed which went to trial for 9 months and I was found not guilty that was my first time I went to Westville correctional service after I was released from waiting trial my mother had made reservations for me to to Kwasiza bantu mission but that was too late since already I had been exposed to criminal activities in waiting trial and I had to end up picking up a number to protect myself.
I did go to the mission anyways and while I was there I would have bad dreams of my cousin whom was close to me when the time came for me to go home after several months at the mission not smoking not drinking I went home as soon as I got home I went to visit my homeboys and I was surprised when one of the girls whom use to see me around the location selling stolen goods told me she heard I was killed, I never took what she said lightly I asked her are you sure it is me you heard is dead and she said yes I asked her to take me to the person who told you I am dead and she took me to her home when she arrived with me by her house one of her sisters who had told the her the story of the body of a boy which was found rotting which belonged to a victim who was attacked by a forum mob for stealing but got away only to die while he was in I hiding place found in a kneeling position is the guy I use to sell with some goods which even them sometimes bought.
Quickly after that I went home and asked when had they last seen my cousin none of them were sure so I told them the shocking news before my mother grieved she called her sister who was the mothers boy and the went together to the mougury and unfortunately it was him he was buried the following week and he mother wept when she saw me because she believed it was my fault thinking it was me who introduced her son to wunga (my cousin smoked wunga before I did God rest his soul he did not die by my hand) I then relocated to town to stay with a friend at breae my friend relocated because of work and I became homeless that when I started to car guide since I was no more clean enough to shoplift while I was car guiding God showed me a silver lining when a guy on a bike introduced himself to me and told me about a program that was going to start soon for those interested to be part of the program to decrease your wunga intake or even stop I was tied of smoking wunga and ready to try anything that works so I took a leap of faith and I entered the program as the second candidate out of 50.
It’s been more the 17 months I’m in the ost program and if I look back at my life and reflect on the things of my past challenges I’ve faced tears don’t stop falling from my eyes I know my birth was a blessing but In many occasions iv questioned that from the sacrifice my father had to take to leave his job as a high ranking police officer to become an unpaid pastor for more than6 years and receive his first 600 pay check and losing the comfort of our home since he could not afford it, us relocating to criminal drug base neighborhood and rent a 3⁄4 bedroom house which we had trouble to pay it 400 a month and I would watch my mother be scorned by the land lord while my father was away doing God’s work because of the calling which he could not refuse not to hear after he was upper handed by God by first putting him in a car crash and ignoring the calling at first making my mother go through hard labor which almost claimed the life of my sister and hers and he took an impulsive decision saying he will quit his job if my sister and mother were kept alive God kept them alive only for him to go back on his promise until I me Menelisi the promised son was made so sick that not even the high paid doctors could not see what was wrong with me that was when he submitted fully to God to retire at a young age and serve him some point i even blamed God saying had we not left the neighborhood I was born in I was not going to be exposed to drugs and crime.
I even remember the time I was sober only to relapse because of a girl who was blackmailing me to stay in a highly sexual relationship and I ended up dropping out of college the devil has may mask of faces I tell you, even the time I relapsed after finding out my first love girl friend had an abortion my latest relapse was just recently when my current girlfriend had a miscarriage every time my heart got broken I would just turn to wunga. I’ve noticed girls are my weakness when I’m sober and it them who always catch me of guard what a pretty face the devil has.
Every time I’ve tried to walk away, the devil keeps calling me back by my name All these times my mother had fasted and prayed but I’m still in the devils game Even though echoes of laughter from those who encouraged my fall get louder Like the phoenix rising from the ashes my only motivation is to rise again.
If you listen sincerely clearly you will hear these are the dreams and the hope of the slaves.
Who were bluffed they could win if they took a chance in playing the game only to die in pain and in vain .
This has to stop this has to  stop.
LISTEN I…………………………………….. Can still hear the sounds of these walls calling my name again and again.
Menelisi Mmel Humphrey Ngidi THE WRITER